just one of those days

so my day has been very different I'm almost due and i hate to say it, but i want it to be over. my feelings have become this one day after day of i hate my life and also hate myself. i always think, why did god make my body the way it is. difficulty to have children and then to now make me feel like i need a break. i have this wonderful baby girl coming into this world,  but when i look back at myself, many people ask r u ready. i say i'm ready, and yet I'm scared shit less. i want to cry every time someone asks me that. i always worry that i'm not going to be the best mother to her. and to be the best provider for her. but i feel like someday ill never be the same. i carry a heavy cross. and yet  i see myself a  workaholic and afraid of the world. is it always going to be this way. or am i just wondering aimlessly into the wind. or should i be like water roaming free and still knowing what to do.