why is it so hard?

so im a mother of a seventh month older now. and just got my grades, yeah im also in school and im a worker to. so i dont understand why is so hard for a new mom not to get a break. i mean for women its so hard to be a mother, wife , worker, and a student. it doesnt make sense, why cant we get a break. its like once we get married or even have a child, we have to give up everything. i dont know im just venting cuz i dont think its right.

appreciation to life!

so today my daughter was baptised, my aunt Mo's birthday and i got married. but that's not what I'm writing about today.

today my mother in law lost all her hair. she has breast cancer. so there was a very huge chance she would lose her hair, but i really hoped she didn't. yes i know that when many cancer patients lose there hair, they believe it will come back, but then again many of the cancer patients don't get to see it come back. not that I'm saying Kim will never get to see her hair come back, but i was told a women's hair and her ears were and are your pride and glory. 

for years i told Kim that i hated my hair. only because its so curly and its gets so hard to manage, so i just hate it. Kim would tell me that she would do anything to have hair like mine, we would laugh about how she could get a perm and that it would go flat in like 3 min. i would laugh and tell her lets switch. 

but know i cant say that anymore. 

so after walking back on a family walk with Savannah and Ryne, we came home to Kim combing her hair and a bucket full of hair in it. it hit like a bullet, Ryne freaked out a bit. but he wont tell me how he feels, her dad doesn't like it only because well its a sign that's its getting worst before it gets better. and mo well she is comfortable with it, Savannah freaked out at seeing her grandma with no hair, but me... well i told Kim i wanted to cry for her. my dad told me one day when my grandfather died that i was my grandmothers rock, but today after helping Kim cut and shave the rest of her hair off, i didn't feel like a rock, all the conversations we had about hair, and how we would gladly switch with each other, is going to be gone. Kim doesn't know this but she is my 3rd mommy, i have my mom, and then i have my Tia Cindy, and i have Kim. seeing this and actively helping her do this, crushed me inside. 

i guess i was hoping the cancer that she had wasn't serious enough to lose her hair. she is taking it very well. and she isn't angry, but i am, i wonder why it happened, and i wonder why her, why any person who gets cancer... i know she is happy and when she sees this shes going to smack me, but that's okay...lol its my blog.

one of my many questions!

so lately i have been felling really bored due to the fact that i have only have 4 days off from work and then 3 days of work. plus its the summer. so my boss doesn't want me to come in to much an also doesn't want to pay over time for it. so I'm at home most of my day and I'm with my beautiful baby girl Savannah. so my day gets better that way. but the many things i think about in my day is, " Am I a Good Mother" i know growing up, people said " one day Tiff you'll have your own and you'll make a really great mom." that's because i love playing with children and being around them and also having Savannah i feel complete.
but that one question bugged me for awhile. " Am I a Good Mother" i mean i have nights were i stay up so late making sure Savannah's okay and then not even waking up till 11 the next day. then i feel guilty that RJ is doing all the work while i rest and sleep. so with this silly question, i asked RJ, "Do you think I'm a good mom". he answers me saying " why do you ask". me " well i don't feel like a good mom because your taking her all the time and I'm resting most of my day and i just feel guilty that your doing most of the work during the day and I'm not". the answer he gave me made me think that wow hes right... "Of course your a good mom, the reason i take her so much is because you got to hold her for 10 months. so i take her so you can have you time and i can let you rest. geese you even got cut open for her, so that's why i take her." and with that i smiled and a silly question had been answered. then i commented with a joke "so know shes 2 months, you have about 8 more months than you can give her back right?"

sometimes i think it was just a dream when i gave that beautiful little girl life. heck even the puck from her proves that she loves me and i love her.

its been a little more than 6 weeks

so a lot has happened and I'm excited to say that Savannah is doing great.  she is healthy and happy... when her diaper isn't wet and when shes not hungry. I'm getting married and yeah i haven't told anyone because well idk its going to be small. and for those of you who know me, well im not a big wedding kind of person. lol I'm not even the wearing white kind of person. lol
so not only have i been watching Savannah grow this past 6 weeks, i have also been asking questions like WHY? why do you have to do grow up. i like you being a baby. i can play with you and dress you the way i want. and for the record, i will not say this often. but I'm so glad i had a little girl. its so much fun dressing her up and seeing what kind of child she is. i mean she is such a character and shes not even 2  months yet.

well with all this excitement, i have had my own drama, with certain family members and also certain friends. but the big thing I'm worried about is that my mind will be changed, and ill get hurt. so i had 2 friends come out to me, and said that they really like me. and want more than just friends. well one friend is willing to be my friend. hes a dad on top of it.
the other how ever... well he wants more than friendship, and its gotten to the point where i don't want to lose him as a friend, and i don't want more than what I'm giving and that is just being a friend. ahh i hate drama.

any way, know i have 2 more friends that are due the same day and when they complain i sympathies. only cuz i know what they are going through. i was there 6 weeks ago. girls if you read this, member I'm always here and i love you both, i can help with any questions you have.
so know ladies and gentlemen, i have to go put my little one back in her crib, and i need a bit of rest.
if you have a comment, leave it, i would love to hear your opinions.

3 weeks

So its already been 3 weeks since i gave life to a beautiful baby girl Savannah Grace, and its also been since 3 weeks since i could even push a vacuum around. yeah i'm on restriction till my  postpartum apt. which sucks in a huge way.
but you know i'm enjoying my time off. i have a little cousin on the way and a niece or nephew on the way. plus twins from friends. wow what a baby boom. so since then its been great plus my self esteem has defiantly been risen. loosing 4 dress sizes and also 20 lbs. i do enjoy that. but i still have more to do before i can say i'm completely happy with my body. but of course i have to wait till my postpartum apt.
so whats been going on with me, well 1. i had the baby( who is getting bigger and bigger by the second and way more prettier than her mommy every day.)( which i really don't mind)
2. i did have a c section  so thats why its taking me a long time to get anything done that i want. i'm not in a lot of pain but doc wants me to relax
3. lost the weight.
4. have more projects to do so im happy im keeping my crafty hand working.

so yeah thats whats been going on. wow i just realized i do have a busy life. lol

what many people dont tell you about being prego.

so to be honest, for a long time i have always wanted to be a mommy. now is my chance to become a mommy.
but here are some of the things the doc doesn't tell you about being prego, and how your body decides  to get ready for the baby to come. (btw it does it with out your permission). so here it goes. the things docs, or mid wives or even family members don't tell you. so here are 10 things that you need to know before you as a women become prego.
10. swelling of the hands/feet
no one tells you that one day your going to have cankles and your hands are going to be the size of a water melons,instead when it happens your ask how to get rid of the problem. then you tell your doctor and all he/ she will say. " oh its normal. just drink plenty of water" and in the back of your mind, you saying " okay yeah you suck and i am not drinking anymore water than i already am, don't your realize my bladder is the size of a peanut?"
9. where the hell is the bathroom?
as your pregnancy progresses, your bladder is no longer the type that can hold very much. so when you plan a road trip, your constantly thinking," is the pad I'm wearing going  to hold a little bit of pee that comes out." or " okay when we get to this spot, i can take a pee break, don't even think about getting anything else to drink and then when we make another stop, i can pee again. okay sounds like a plan." okay so it seems like it will work out this way and maybe it wont. and that's when your saying. "OH SHIT! know i feel like a little kid, i just new i should have just worn that damn diaper." yes for those of you that don't know,there is such things as adult diapers. lol complements of my job for introducing them to me. :)
8. I'm hungry... an hour later I'm hungry again
so many prego women eat and eat and eat. try to limit it as much as you can. some docs say 2 hours eat every 2 hours. yeah that never works. you'll see a prego girl eat more than her fill and then be hungry 20 min later. it sucks i know but heck someone has to feed you and the kid. 
7. annoyed with everything around you
okay so bitchiness comes in a lot of places and sometimes its the little things that drive you insane. for example " the dog is whining to much shut him up." " OMG clean the damn seat when you pee. i don't want to sit on a nasty seat." "can i find a way to kill someone that you know no one will miss." things like that. then there are the ones that you know your partner is angry and doesn't want to express what there mad about. then you become snappy only because your like " what the Hell" then there's the occasional "i hate you for doing this to me."
6. it takes to tango.
yeah don't forget, you can blame the other for so much, but remember it was not just your partners fault for you getting pregnant. that's the problem with my thought process i blame my love for this even though i know it took two of us to make this beautiful baby girl in my belly.  but by 9 months, you'll be blaming the partner. its very common especially when you feel like its now taking forever. 
5. men= YES DEAR!
haha guys you thought you were getting out of this. when it gets closer to the fact that your beautiful child is coming into this rotten world of ours.  women tend to bitch a whole lot. and the key words you must understand is YES DEAR. just say that with a little smile on there face and then to do what ever she asks.
4. if you iron is low. be expected to take take iron pills.
i hate taking iron pill. leaving you so blooming constipated and having to sit there and strain to get that one little piece of poop out. then it has you thinking..." can i eat this is it going to give me heartburn or make me constipated" then you think heart burn is the least of your worries it's the constipation. only because you don't want to be know as the one to sit there and take forever in the bathroom. 
3. the urge to not have so much sex
sex becomes the last thing on the list of to dos to finish the day out. as your ever loven maybe ready to jump. your thinking, "what the heck do i want to do this for. I'm not interested and i just want to do something else. like for example sleep."
2.sleep is the most important thing of your day
sleep sleep sleep. were not going to get much after the baby is born. but hey sleep when you can. if you have school and work. sleep in between breaks and lunch breaks. so instead of hanging out with your friends and gabbing about American idol and why you hate certain people, go find a quiet spot and relax. its okay. i mean i haven't done it yet. only because i friends that want to talk to me. 
and last but not least 
1. SLEEPING AT NIGHT!
no one tells you why  you can't sleep well at night. at some point while your sleeping, you actually must wake up to roll onto the other side. it sucks cuz you do a 1,2,3 kind of thing. 
1 wake up
2 roll on you back and breathe
3 then roll on to the other side and breathe 
it happens about every other hour and your like i can't do this anymore. i just want to lay on my stomach and relax. it comes to a point when your like I'm just sleepy, and also you feel like crap in the morning when you know you haven't had enough sleep. 


so there you have it. 10 things no one tells you when your in your 9th month of pregnancy. like i was told. its going to happen and its okay to be scared. but also be patient its completely worth it in the end. 

just one of those days

so my day has been very different I'm almost due and i hate to say it, but i want it to be over. my feelings have become this one day after day of i hate my life and also hate myself. i always think, why did god make my body the way it is. difficulty to have children and then to now make me feel like i need a break. i have this wonderful baby girl coming into this world,  but when i look back at myself, many people ask r u ready. i say i'm ready, and yet I'm scared shit less. i want to cry every time someone asks me that. i always worry that i'm not going to be the best mother to her. and to be the best provider for her. but i feel like someday ill never be the same. i carry a heavy cross. and yet  i see myself a  workaholic and afraid of the world. is it always going to be this way. or am i just wondering aimlessly into the wind. or should i be like water roaming free and still knowing what to do.